How to Change the Way You Talk to Your Kids as They Get Older: From Director to Coach
Every afternoon, this scene happens in millions of homes. You ask the question, hoping to connect and really wanting to know: “How was school today?” And the answer comes back, a one-word torpedo that sinks your conversation ship before it even leaves the harbor: “Fine.” Then they go into their room, and you are left staring at the closed door, feeling the space between you get a little bit bigger.
You’re not the only one who has heard this before. You’ve reached the tween years, which are the hard, life-changing years between childhood and adolescence. All of a sudden, the communication playbook that worked for years, where you were in charge of their lives, giving them directions and asking simple questions, just stops working. You’re running into a wall.
The good news is that wall won’t last forever. But we need to change the way we do things in order to get past it. It’s time to give up your job as director and become the coach, which is a more powerful role.
The Change in Mindset: Coach vs. Director
For years, we were in charge of the job. We made the schedule, told people what to do (“Put on your shoes!”), and ran the show. It was necessary and worked.
But a tween doesn’t need a director anymore; they need a coach. The coach doesn’t play the game for the athlete. They listen, ask smart questions, give advice, and believe in their players’ potential. They help from the sidelines, encouraging independence and strength. If you want to be a coach, you need to stop telling them what to do and start asking them what they think they should do. It’s a change from controlling to connecting.
Three ways to coach people to have real conversations
This change feels big, but it happens in small, everyday ways. Here are three useful ways to put your new coaching job to use.
1. Ask Strong Questions (Not Requests)
Directors give orders that look like questions, like “Aren’t you going to clean your room?” Coaches ask questions that are truly open-ended and can’t be answered with a simple “yes” or “no.”
“Did you have a good day?”
“What’s the most interesting thing you talked about in science class today?”
Instead of saying, “How was the test?”
“How did you feel about the test?” What parts were hard?
Strong questions open a door, but demands close it.
2. Pay attention to the feeling, not just the words.
Your tween may say things that are clipped or angry, but the real feeling behind them is something else, like frustration, embarrassment, or anxiety. A director might respond to the rude tone by saying, “Don’t talk to me like that!” A coach listens for the emotion behind the tone.
When they say, “Just leave me alone!”
A director hears, “Leave me alone.”
A coach hears, “I feel overwhelmed and don’t know how to deal with it.”
Your answer could go from “Fine, I will!” to a soft, “It sounds like you’re going through a really hard time right now.” If you want to talk about it, I’m here. One of the quickest ways to build trust is to acknowledge their feelings, even if you don’t agree with what they do.
3. Get good at talking to each other side by side.
For a lot of tweens, having a serious talk with someone in person can feel like being interrogated. Parents all over the world use the side-by-side talk as their secret weapon. When you’re doing something else together, like driving, walking the dog, shooting hoops, or washing dishes, it’s easier to talk. Not making direct eye contact lowers the pressure and gives them the space to talk about things when they’re ready. When you’re both looking ahead and driving together, some of the most meaningful conversations happen.
The Long Game: Laying the Groundwork for Trust
This change from director to coach won’t happen right away. There will be days when you still get one-word answers. There will be times when you go back to being a director. That’s fine. This is a long game.
Every time you ask a question that makes them think, every time you agree with how they feel, and every time you choose to listen instead of lecture, you are putting money in their trust bank. You are sending a clear message: “I see you changing.” I admire how you’re becoming more independent. “I’m here to help you, not boss you around.” That trust is what will keep the door to their room—and their life—open to you for the rest of your life.
Call to Action: What’s the best open-ended question you’ve ever asked your child to get them to talk? Please share your knowledge in the comments!
